I'm at that point. Neither breaking nor breathing is an option.

I dread action.


ynotxram86 (1:07:42 AM): don't you hate how dr holmes says "maysure" and not "measure"
ynotxram86 (1:07:50 AM): cause i do
newmanMU (1:08:32 AM): perhaps..... I've never noticed .... I'm normally too focused on not sucking.
ynotxram86 (1:08:56 AM): you'll notice it now
ynotxram86 (1:09:06 AM): he does it.. without fail... each time he says measure
newmanMU (1:10:34 AM): I will ....... and I'll look over at you and we'll make awkward eye contact ... and eternity will cease to exist, forever destroyed in the moment of our piercing stare. And then we'll laugh, boyish laughs, jovial and unwanting; ne'er to be reconciled with the harsh tones of our childhoods lost. ... or something like that
ynotxram86 (1:12:32 AM): ne'er hah?
ynotxram86 (1:12:34 AM): i see.


Bracketed from the rest, determined yet to demand attention, he sits, waiting, staring blankly into reality; he cries, tears of unwanted repentance, sorrowful--never feeling sorry for the choices. Regret is sin, "sorry" an eternal damnation.
I assume it's my fault; the crying, depression, anxiety, despair all results of my actions(?). Conditioning, perhaps, but the guilt, real enough, exists in the normative sense. If I'm not the cause, my presence certainly doesn't resolve (or appear to do so)--:neither a sign or hint as to the conclusion of my questioning, lips sealed physically, mentally, spiritually, nor the most minute reaction to my mere existence within your realm of being, solitary, in the most open manner possible, emotions and intellect fighting a battle of attrition.

(A smile, a laugh--simply a breath--: my reasons for arguing the infinite love of an omnipotent master. God, bog and the rest, ne'er be afraid of doubt; the single wink of an eye, so purposeful, reassures me of thy ineffable providence not once but infinitely.)

Mere seconds away from said reasons seem eternal, hours longer yet and days I fathom are incomprehensible beyond my ability to perceive the level of torture.

(falsely?) assuming fault,

wishing I could help,

longing for providence,