1.30.2006

An open thought to someone in particular:

I suppose, stereotypically, one should feel angry, hurt, distraught, sad, depressed, emo, etc. and moreso, if one has/had no idea. Alas, I knew. And I have never prayed so hard for anything as I did about my knowledge. I pretty much begged every god I've ever encountered in text, on TV or in conversation.

I begged to be wrong, more wrong than I've ever been or will be about any topic.

I pleaded, bargained and demanded that I be corrected or, at the very least, not know the outcome either way. I cried for a swine's satisfaction.

A heathen's pleas often fail to inspire the divine. (The sacred version reads: God works in mysterious ways.)

Granted, even though I knew the outcome, the only end (to this particular situation), I was never ready to see it. I definitely cry more than a stereotypical male, and I already asked myself why I was crying. It's not as if I'm at an end. It's not as if someone died. Everyone is still here, the same. Everyone, for all practical purposes, still exists.

The "what now" aspect of this situation still makes me cringe. I suppose we could use that time machine and stop this situation from occurring. That would be the easiest method. We could stop knowing each other. We could continue living as if we're both unaffected. We could hit stuff with sticks. We could File>Load. We could do nothing. We could ask someone else for help. We could pretend it's August. We could arm wrestle. We could drink gallons of lemonade. We could dance in public. We could refuse to acknowledge whatever there is to acknowledge. We could fight in the snow. We could sit in a dark van. We could get two hours of sleep. We could write a musical. We could read White Noise. We could take a Mihm Seminar. We could know that "This is a G** damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation." We could know that god, bog and the rest will help us/me/you get through it. We could simply live and learn. We could theorize for years about "coulds," "should haves" and "wishes." We could donate our bodies to science. We could ... infinity. We could ... infinity. We could ... infinity. We could ... infinity. We could ... infinity.

I am still semi-confused. You can help me with that later, when I have confidence again.

No comments: