3.15.2006

some time ago:

forkhead2003: DAD
newmanMU: ...it's daN actually
forkhead2003: OH
forkhead2003: same thing
newmanMU: howdy
forkhead2003: how's break?
newmanMU: eh...boring...homework filled
newmanMU: Second String filled
forkhead2003: ah yes
forkhead2003: i've actually looked at my music...i hope the others remembered
newmanMU: awesome, how is your break, sir?
forkhead2003: oh man
forkhead2003: it's painful
newmanMU: ?
forkhead2003: k...here we go
forkhead2003: so i get home
forkhead2003: and i go in to work on Monday
forkhead2003: and i'm working in jewelry
forkhead2003: and all of a sudden there's a commotion in the men's dept and i see our security lady (a short woman my mother's age) run out the door...
forkhead2003: so i run over there, cuz i'm the only scary looking fella in the building
newmanMU: wow
forkhead2003: that's right i RAN!
forkhead2003: and I get outside, and marsha (security) is chasing this black girl (race will be important later) across the parking lot
forkhead2003: so i take off my tie and my badge and join the chase
forkhead2003: that's right, i RAN
newmanMU: holy crap
forkhead2003: so we get to the end of the parking lot...cross the street...run behind a strip mall on the other side of the street...she hops a fence, and another associate (Brad) hops it with her (Marsha, Brad and I were the only ones chasing her)
forkhead2003: Marsha and I run around the fence
forkhead2003: through a field...we catch up with her...hold her down for a little while marsha catches up (she's slow)...
forkhead2003: before marsha can get there, shoplifter gets away...chase continues
newmanMU: wow...this is like....a movie....in slow motion
forkhead2003: yep yep
forkhead2003: all this time marsha is trying to communicate to our store via two-way radio to call the police (our manager that night is an idiot)
forkhead2003: so we run through this field...then into another field with really long grass (up to my waist)
forkhead2003: then down a hill,
forkhead2003: then across a creek (no joke, there was a creek)
forkhead2003: then up a hill
newmanMU: hhaha
forkhead2003: and into a low-income housing development
forkhead2003: (this is where it turns into an episode of cops)
forkhead2003: remember when I said that her race would matter?
newmanMU: yes
forkhead2003: so brad and I finally catch up with her in the parking lot of this apartment complex, which, mind you, is millions of miles away from JCPenney
forkhead2003: and we're trying to restrain her
forkhead2003: which isn't easy given the limited amount of restraint we are allowed to perform
forkhead2003: so then her friends start coming out of there apartments
forkhead2003: and they see us, two white males, trying to hold a black female to the ground...
newmanMU: ...
forkhead2003: and so Brad and I start getting beat up by her friends
forkhead2003: and then marsha gets there
forkhead2003: with her radio
forkhead2003: and she's STILL trying to get the police to us
newmanMU: omg!
forkhead2003: and now there are about 3 JCPenney employees trying to fight off about 1/2 dozen people
forkhead2003: and trying to restrain a shoplifter
forkhead2003: so, marsha comes over to me and holds down the girl while I get up and try to talk to these people
forkhead2003: and i'm explaining that we're just restraining a shoplifter who was caught in our store, we don't want to hurt her, etc...
forkhead2003: and one of them threatens to get a knife...
forkhead2003: and i get angry and inform them that if they touch me or any of my associates i will "prosecute your ass"
forkhead2003: and surprisingly, it actually scared them
newmanMU: HAHAHAHA
forkhead2003: side note: i was being one mean, tough mo-fo
forkhead2003: which was a facade...i was quite scared
forkhead2003: so anyway...while i'm trying to talk to these people, the shoplifter succeeds in breaking free from marsha and brad
newmanMU: ...lol ...I can't even imagine...I would change majors back to music ed to see this
forkhead2003: and runs into her apartment
forkhead2003: HAH
forkhead2003: so she runs into her apartment and her possy (how do you spell that) follows her
forkhead2003: this was probably the stupidest thing she'd ever done
forkhead2003: cuz the apartments only have one entrance, so we knew exactly where she was, and when the police FINALLY got there (over 20 mins after we left the store) they went into the apartment and dragged her out
forkhead2003: so she was charged with one count of felony theft, one count of aggravated assault (since marsha's a security officer), and two accounts of assault (Brad and myself)
newmanMU: hahahaha.....what a loser...what did she try to steal?
forkhead2003: a bunch of clothes...she stashed over $250 in clothes in two shoe boxes
newmanMU: jeez
forkhead2003: oh, and i didn't mention that she hit me in the face numerous times with a bag and with her fist (one count assault)
forkhead2003: she hit brad in the face and kicked him in the balls (another count of assault)
forkhead2003: and she punched marsha in the face and kicked her in the groin a few times (aggravated assault)
newmanMU: jesus!
forkhead2003: i was bleeding, brad had trouble walking, and marsha still has bruises
newmanMU: holy crap....
forkhead2003: definitely the most exciting (and scary) moment of my life
newmanMU: I bet...wow.....I have no stories to top that
newmanMU: Jason has a nerve problem in his foot....he couldn't walk today............ I have a hang nail.....
forkhead2003: HAHAH
forkhead2003: hang nails are rough
newmanMU: not as rough as a gaggle of girls trying to steal some semi-designer clothes
forkhead2003: hah
forkhead2003: gaggle
forkhead2003: hah
forkhead2003: hey...save this conversation so i don't have to type all of that to amber, et al. i'll just print it off and distribute it
newmanMU: I already saved it! hahahahahahaha

2 comments:

Amber said...

That is so not the version I heard - so much drama and excitement. I'm glad you're alive, Dan Stuby.

sirbradford117 said...

can't,..... breathe.... from laughing....