6.22.2008

my first script

reprinted here without any editing.

(context: we had to rewrite a section of Macbeth in a new "style" or genre for College Prep English IV--i.e. my last year of high school English. our group chose "senseless satire." we performed this in front of our class. yeah.)

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Daniel, George, Dave, Andrew, Brad – 4th Hour


Macbeth ala uh...something

Andrew: (yawns) Oh joy. It’s Brad … oops … I mean Fleance.

Brad: Don’t act so excited, I’m as happy as you are to be here. What’s the point of this anyway?

Andrew: It’s to prepare us for college. Don’t you know that we’ll be spoofing great pieces of literature all the time…and that’s just the first semester.

(Enter Macbeth (George))

George: What?

Andrew: (looks at him) Oh… yeah…I don’t believe any of this nonsense about the witches…they were just old and senile and should be put in a home…better yet…put them on a rocket and shoot them into the sun…old people suck.

George: I thoroughly agree. Old people piss me off. They always block up the traffic…and they smell like cabbage.

Dave: Kinda like carnies.

Brad: Where did you come from?

Dave: I don’t know…Dan just kinda threw me in here…(gets blank stares from others)…I’ll leave now.

George: Anyways, back to what I was saying about shipping the old to Antarctica…

(Mr. W (Duncan) acts like he’s asleep)

Andrew: So…yeah…. Duncan’s asleep….just in case anyone wanted to kill him…..not that any of you would…….*sneeze*Macbeth*sneeze*…..

George: …. excuse you…?

Brad: Yeah…so…I’m missing Baywatch

(Andrew and Brad exit)

George: (walks over to Duncan (mr. w) rolls up script and BEATS HIM) (AS HE’s beating him) NO …*wack* MORE *wack* WORDS *wack* LIKE FEDUCIARY !!! (Mr. wilk = dead) Well, (slaps hands together) looks like Mr. Wilk needs a mint…OR A BLOOD TRANSFUSION…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOK that’s enough. Well….I’m a bit tired…it’s a lot of work to beat someone until their head splits open and their brains ooze out all over the desk like and yolk spilling from a shattered egg.

(Enter Dave)

Dave: Did you kill him?

George: Yep…it was fun…you should try it sometime.

Dave: Yes….I shall……

George: Yeah…I kinda feel bad…

Dave: YOU WHAT? Why in the HELL would you feel back… you are now in control of everything…you control how many pages we have to read, how many gay classics we have to suffer through, how many vocab tests we have….WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY feel bad about…

George: That we didn’t do it sooner….

Dave:…. oh…..

George: I’m leaving.

(George exits)

(Enter Porter = Dan)

Dan: Yep, Ironically, I play the drunk. OOOO LOOK AT ME….I LIKE TO DRINK…..I’M LIKE 90% OF OUR CLASS NOW…OOOOOO….WEEEEE…ITS FUN TO STUMBLE….WEEEEEEEEEEE.

(Knock Knock says Mr. Herscher)

Andrew: Hello…I’m the actor formally known as Banquo.

Dan: Did you know that drinking makes your worm go numb.

Andrew: …uh…no Dan….can’t say I did.

Dan: Yep….no cha cha in your who who dilly.

Andrew: … great… I’ll have to remember that next time I go on my binge.

Dan: You do that….oh by the way…the king’s dead.

Andrew: You don’t say?

Dan: Yep….found his head …well what USE to be his head…embedded in the desk…

Andrew: Wow, that has to suck for him.

Dan: Yep…guess he’ll never be a head-up in life….ha….haha….ha…..ok stop looking at me like that before I kick you in testes.

Andrew: Ouch.

(Exit Dan)

(Enter Brad as Lennox and Enter George as Macbeth)

Andrew: Hey, they King’s dead.

George: Yeah I know…I killed him…I mean…..oh…really?

Brad: Didn’t you just say…

George: Look Brad…A playboy…. fetch…(Throws it…. Exit Brad)

Andrew: I’m sorry did you say something I was staring at (select Girl form audience) *whispers* Call me …

George: (To himself) I was just confessing to the brutal murder of king that’s all.

Andrew: Huh? I was distracted by that bloody mass of goo over there that we use to call our king.

George: Yeah…I guess that’s my clue to go kill more people isn’t it?

(George kills two guards)

George: Those guards must have been the one’s to kill the king…. why you ask…because they look pretty guilty to me. O.J. Simpson guilty.

Dan: Wow, this skit is taking forever.

Andrew: You wrote it.

Dan: …just…..shut up.

(exit George as Macbeth)

(exit Dan (who never entered in the first place))

(Enter Dave as Ross and Enter George as Old Man now)

George: Ooo…look at me…I am old and feeble. So old am I that I fall asleep real…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Dave: Wake up ya old fart before I break your hip.

George: WHAT? Who’s talking…I need my diaper changed…

Dave: Don’t you have some pertinent dialogue?

George: Is it pudding time?

Dave: Jesus…Ok…you were SUPPOSE to say that strange things have been happening in Macbethworld.

George: I wanna watch T.V.

Dave: I am getting to the point where I think I should beat you within an inch of your old man life.

George: You’re not Billy….WHERE’S BILLY? BIIILLLYYY??

Dave: Ok…that’s it…(thwack)

George: Ow…that didn’t feel (thawk) nor did that one feel good.

(Enter Dan)

Dan: And so this act ends with the senseless beating of an old person. Or does it? Stop old people….before they stop you. Just think…they drive slow…they complain…they smell…they do doody in their pants…they’re like babies…only…not cute. Do the world a favor…beat an old person.

(For all of you out there with no sense of humor…don’t REALLY beat an old person…beat a whale.)

1 comment:

GeorgeDubya said...

The funniest part about you linking this to me is the fact that I just found and re-read this about a week ago.

If only I had been able to read my old man lines without laughing.