Daniel “Hussein” Richards
Brothers and sisters of the People’s Democratic States of America:
With the election quickly approaching and tidal waves of change washing away the recalcitrant debris of outdated logic and old-fashioned reasoning, it has become fuliginously clear that this country needs, deserves and longs for a president that reflects its most cherished values, upholds its strongest convictions and endorses everything it has come to represent. It should be no surprise then, comrades, that the Democratic Party has nominated just such a candidate: Barack “We are all ‘Hussein’ ” Obama.
In no other living person could America find such a strong combination of progressive, populist, pro-people politics. It’s as if Darwin Himself, may He bless and keep us, directed the evolution of man to its ultimate conclusion in our Savior, the “O”ne, the Alpha and “O”mega: Barack “H” Obama.
In an era when reason has been proven invalid, logic determined to be illogical, and science exposed as mere illusion, we must abandon old ways of knowing, thinking and doing and embrace the only true absolutes: pity, love and faith. Only “O”ne man can bring about that change we deserve: Barack “Help Us” Obama.
When it comes to fighting “terrorists”—a crude term that should be replaced by the more accurate phrase, “Freedom-Loving, Often Wary, Reluctant Soldiers” (FLOWERS)—both ends of the political spectrum agree that using reason is pointless. That’s why Barack Obama has advocated abandoning reason when dealing with FLOWERS or states harboring FLOWERS. Obama was even bold enough to admit his stance during a Democratic Primary debate sponsored by CNN and YouTube. When asked if he would meet with leaders of Iran (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad), Venezuela (Hugo Chavez) and North Korea (Kim Jong-il) without precondition, the Great junior senator from Illinois proudly exclaimed, “I would!”
These men are not inherently evil and their ideologies are not inherently evil. More likely than not, these men were teased as children, picked on during recess or, even worse, picked last for kick ball. We must not turn our back on them now in their greatest time of need. We must show them pity, mercy, leniency. America, need I remind you, has committed unspeakable crimes in its past—similar or worse than those committed by Ahmadinejad, Chavez or Jong-il. We mustn’t take the moral high ground lest we call ourselves hypocrites.
Irregardless, hasn’t multiculturalism proven that it’s wrong to judge different cultures and their practices? We cannot say that “destroying Israel” is any more of a noble goal than invading Afghanistan or Iraq. Ahmadinejad has his culture. We have ours. Who is the United States to judge? No one. And only “O”ne man can abandon the shackles of reason and show these countries and their leaders the pity they deserve: Barack “Heidegger” Obama.
Even on the home front, Obama is committed to breaking the oppressive death grip of logic on our economy and replacing it with the warm embrace of love. Everyone knows—and by “knows” I mean “strongly feels as if”—greed is to blame for the current economic downturn. Greedy industrialists and their greedy bankers got their greedy hands on your money and spent it recklessly to feed their greedy, greedy greed.
And Barack Obama is ready to do something about it. He knows that the only solution to the economic crisis is love, love for your fellow man and your fellow man’s family. Only when we whole-heartedly believe “love is the answer,” that “love will keep us together, that “love shack is a little old place where we can get together,” will we finally be free from the bonds of logic and the most contemptible of all ideas: capitalism.
Even if you do not fully commit to the idea of love, Obamanomics can help you! Under Obama’s ingenious planned economy, the “free” market will be replaced by a series of committees that determine how much money you deserve to make. Always remember: The government is your friend. The House Democrats attempted to institute a Reasonable Profits Board in April of 2008 to confirm that Big Business was, indeed, making an unreasonable amount of money. The greedy Republicans shouted, cried and used their oppressive logic to defeat the matter. Conservatives are anti-love.
Additionally, Obama calls for 95 percent of all tax payers to be loved more by the top five percent of wage earners. Under his plan, the super-ultra-mega-rich people and businesses making more than $250,000 a year would be compelled to spread their love among the people that have less love. It has long been established that need outweighs all other concerns, and Obama firmly believes that men of ability should be compelled to provide for men of need. It should sicken any man with a heart to see businessmen make money for themselves. When they succeed it naturally follows that they force others to fail.
In response to a greedy plumber’s greedy concerns about a pittance more in taxes, our Fearless Leader Obama replied, “I just want to make sure everybody who is behind you that they’ve got a chance at success, too. […] When you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” Indeed! Obama understands that wealth is like a very tiny pie, and when greedy plumbers hog the biggest pieces then it’s the poor and hungry that suffers. There is no constitutional right to money like there is privacy. Why should a man complain when he is allowed to keep $400,000 of the $700,000 he made this year? The people need that money more than he does. And if the public demands it, they have the right to it. Only “O”ne man understands the principles of loveconomics: Barack “Handouts” Obama.
Finally, my brothers and sisters, only our Glorious Leader Obama can lead us out of the environmental reasoning of the past and into the environmental faith of the future. And I’m not talking about religious-like faith, oh no! Nietzche irrefutably proved—and by “proved” I mean “strongly believed in”—god’s death long before you or I even had the chance of being aborted.
No, I’m talking about blind, “shout until it’s true”-like faith—the same faith that led the Glorious Revolution in China, Cuba, and the Soviet Union.
It is now irrefutable that we are experiencing record temperatures and that global warming is upon us. Those on the political right dare to challenge our resolve by presenting “facts” and “science” that suggest world temperatures are dropping or, like the Senate Committee on Environment & Public Works, that Antarctica has shown record ice growth over the past 50 years. Blasphemy! Anyone who dares disagree with our beliefs should be considered a traitor to mankind and plantkind. Yes, comrades, we must consider the well being of plantkind, since they cannot consider it for themselves. As the progressive Swiss government recently recognized, plants have dignity. That is, plants have value for their own sake and not just because we can kill them. It should be illegal in our backwards country, like it is in Switzerland, to decapitate a flower. We must stop flower FLOWERS before it’s too late. Only “O”ne man is environmentally faithful enough to lead us into this new era of man and plant walking hand-in-leaf: Barack “tree-Hugger” Obama.
It is up to you, my fellow proletarians, to elect the only candidate this country has ever needed, to cast(e) your vote for the only man ever to understand the struggles of the commoner, to choose the president the United States truly deserves. And why do we deserve such a glorious leader? Let me tell you, brothers and sisters:
- We have finally abandoned reason in favor of pity—since being nice is more important than being “right.”
- We have finally discarded logic in favor of love—since need, not ability, now determines capital.
- And we have finally rejected science in favor of faith—since policy is now determined by who shouts the loudest.
You have a once in a lifetime opportunity to make a real difference, comrades. How will you vote?