10.25.2008

Barack Obama: The president America deserves

Daniel “Hussein” Richards


Brothers and sisters of the People’s Democratic States of America:

With the election quickly approaching and tidal waves of change washing away the recalcitrant debris of outdated logic and old-fashioned reasoning, it has become fuliginously clear that this country needs, deserves and longs for a president that reflects its most cherished values, upholds its strongest convictions and endorses everything it has come to represent. It should be no surprise then, comrades, that the Democratic Party has nominated just such a candidate: Barack “We are all ‘Hussein’ ” Obama.

In no other living person could America find such a strong combination of progressive, populist, pro-people politics. It’s as if Darwin Himself, may He bless and keep us, directed the evolution of man to its ultimate conclusion in our Savior, the “O”ne, the Alpha and “O”mega: Barack “H” Obama.

In an era when reason has been proven invalid, logic determined to be illogical, and science exposed as mere illusion, we must abandon old ways of knowing, thinking and doing and embrace the only true absolutes: pity, love and faith. Only “O”ne man can bring about that change we deserve: Barack “Help Us” Obama.

When it comes to fighting “terrorists”—a crude term that should be replaced by the more accurate phrase, “Freedom-Loving, Often Wary, Reluctant Soldiers” (FLOWERS)—both ends of the political spectrum agree that using reason is pointless. That’s why Barack Obama has advocated abandoning reason when dealing with FLOWERS or states harboring FLOWERS. Obama was even bold enough to admit his stance during a Democratic Primary debate sponsored by CNN and YouTube. When asked if he would meet with leaders of Iran (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad), Venezuela (Hugo Chavez) and North Korea (Kim Jong-il) without precondition, the Great junior senator from Illinois proudly exclaimed, “I would!”

These men are not inherently evil and their ideologies are not inherently evil. More likely than not, these men were teased as children, picked on during recess or, even worse, picked last for kick ball. We must not turn our back on them now in their greatest time of need. We must show them pity, mercy, leniency. America, need I remind you, has committed unspeakable crimes in its past—similar or worse than those committed by Ahmadinejad, Chavez or Jong-il. We mustn’t take the moral high ground lest we call ourselves hypocrites.

Irregardless, hasn’t multiculturalism proven that it’s wrong to judge different cultures and their practices? We cannot say that “destroying Israel” is any more of a noble goal than invading Afghanistan or Iraq. Ahmadinejad has his culture. We have ours. Who is the United States to judge? No one. And only “O”ne man can abandon the shackles of reason and show these countries and their leaders the pity they deserve: Barack “Heidegger” Obama.

Even on the home front, Obama is committed to breaking the oppressive death grip of logic on our economy and replacing it with the warm embrace of love. Everyone knows—and by “knows” I mean “strongly feels as if”—greed is to blame for the current economic downturn. Greedy industrialists and their greedy bankers got their greedy hands on your money and spent it recklessly to feed their greedy, greedy greed.

Greed!

And Barack Obama is ready to do something about it. He knows that the only solution to the economic crisis is love, love for your fellow man and your fellow man’s family. Only when we whole-heartedly believe “love is the answer,” that “love will keep us together, that “love shack is a little old place where we can get together,” will we finally be free from the bonds of logic and the most contemptible of all ideas: capitalism.

Even if you do not fully commit to the idea of love, Obamanomics can help you! Under Obama’s ingenious planned economy, the “free” market will be replaced by a series of committees that determine how much money you deserve to make. Always remember: The government is your friend. The House Democrats attempted to institute a Reasonable Profits Board in April of 2008 to confirm that Big Business was, indeed, making an unreasonable amount of money. The greedy Republicans shouted, cried and used their oppressive logic to defeat the matter. Conservatives are anti-love.

Additionally, Obama calls for 95 percent of all tax payers to be loved more by the top five percent of wage earners. Under his plan, the super-ultra-mega-rich people and businesses making more than $250,000 a year would be compelled to spread their love among the people that have less love. It has long been established that need outweighs all other concerns, and Obama firmly believes that men of ability should be compelled to provide for men of need. It should sicken any man with a heart to see businessmen make money for themselves. When they succeed it naturally follows that they force others to fail.

In response to a greedy plumber’s greedy concerns about a pittance more in taxes, our Fearless Leader Obama replied, “I just want to make sure everybody who is behind you that they’ve got a chance at success, too. […] When you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” Indeed! Obama understands that wealth is like a very tiny pie, and when greedy plumbers hog the biggest pieces then it’s the poor and hungry that suffers. There is no constitutional right to money like there is privacy. Why should a man complain when he is allowed to keep $400,000 of the $700,000 he made this year? The people need that money more than he does. And if the public demands it, they have the right to it. Only “O”ne man understands the principles of loveconomics: Barack “Handouts” Obama.

Finally, my brothers and sisters, only our Glorious Leader Obama can lead us out of the environmental reasoning of the past and into the environmental faith of the future. And I’m not talking about religious-like faith, oh no! Nietzche irrefutably proved—and by “proved” I mean “strongly believed in”—god’s death long before you or I even had the chance of being aborted.

No, I’m talking about blind, “shout until it’s true”-like faith—the same faith that led the Glorious Revolution in China, Cuba, and the Soviet Union.

It is now irrefutable that we are experiencing record temperatures and that global warming is upon us. Those on the political right dare to challenge our resolve by presenting “facts” and “science” that suggest world temperatures are dropping or, like the Senate Committee on Environment & Public Works, that Antarctica has shown record ice growth over the past 50 years. Blasphemy! Anyone who dares disagree with our beliefs should be considered a traitor to mankind and plantkind. Yes, comrades, we must consider the well being of plantkind, since they cannot consider it for themselves. As the progressive Swiss government recently recognized, plants have dignity. That is, plants have value for their own sake and not just because we can kill them. It should be illegal in our backwards country, like it is in Switzerland, to decapitate a flower. We must stop flower FLOWERS before it’s too late. Only “O”ne man is environmentally faithful enough to lead us into this new era of man and plant walking hand-in-leaf: Barack “tree-Hugger” Obama.

It is up to you, my fellow proletarians, to elect the only candidate this country has ever needed, to cast(e) your vote for the only man ever to understand the struggles of the commoner, to choose the president the United States truly deserves. And why do we deserve such a glorious leader? Let me tell you, brothers and sisters:

  • We have finally abandoned reason in favor of pity—since being nice is more important than being “right.”

  • We have finally discarded logic in favor of love—since need, not ability, now determines capital.

  • And we have finally rejected science in favor of faith—since policy is now determined by who shouts the loudest.

You have a once in a lifetime opportunity to make a real difference, comrades. How will you vote?

10.16.2008

Given the choice between an economic liberal and an economic conservative, I will always choose the conservative no matter what their social views are. Economic policy, especially at the federal level, will more directly influence my life than social policy. If a religious zealot somehow seized office and enacted a law that would require us to become Christian, I could still believe whatever I wanted to believe. Conversely, if a communist zealot somehow seized office and enacted a 60%+ income tax (I'm not referencing Obama here) I can't choose to not pay taxes. Laws cannot punish action or inaction.

This election presents me with a more difficult choice. I would say that neither McCain nor Obama are economic conservatives, but McCain is more conservative than Obama. I could vote for Bob Barr or right in my vote for Bobby Jindal. But given the political climate for third-party candidates, it would not be in my best interest to do so--since an Obama presidency would be in my worst interest.

The reason it's so easy to be pro-McCain via anti-Obama rhetoric is because Obama's ideas are a radical departure from my own. I look at his ideas, cringe, and actively campaign against him--for any other candidate running (except Nader).

"But you're for tax cuts, aren't you?" asks little Lisa Liberal. "Obama plans to give tax cuts to 95% of wage earners!"

Are you sure about that? A "tax cut" by Obama's definition does not mean actually letting people keep more of the money they earn (how sick is it that the government has to let or not let you keep it?), but it's actually giving people money that they didn't earn. A third of Americans don't even pay income tax, so how could they get a tax cut? Well, it's not really a tax cut at all. It's welfare. And how does Wundercandidate plan to pay for this change? Taxing the rich, of course. They can afford it. They don't deserve their money. It would be better for everyone to spread the wealth around. "Close the wealth gap!" The difference between Obama and Robin Hood is that Robin Hood robbed from the government to give back to the people. He didn't rob other citizens.

"There are no victims and no conflicts of interest among rational men, men who do not desire the unearned and do not view one another with a cannibal's lust, men who neither make sacrifices nor accept them." -- Atlas Shrugged

If this is what Obama considers a tax cut, I don't want it. Sure I would have more money in my pocket, but I could get the same outcome if I put a gun to someone's head and robbed them. The difference is that the government holds a monopoly on force. Their "negotiation" at the point of a gun goes unpunished. My wouldn't (and rightfull so).

The "rich" bear no responsibility to the "poor." No adult bears a responsibility to another adult unless they have an agreed upon contract.

"I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need." -- The Fountainhead

Obama has also said on numerous occasions--much like McLame--that it was "greed" and "lack of regulation" that caused the economic downturn in this country.

Bullshit, Mr. Obama. Bullshit by the pound.

If regulation solves finanical problems, why do we keep having them? Our market is no where near as unrestrained as it was in the 30s. How could we possibily have a situation even close to the Great Depression? How could "greed" bring down the markets now? Additionally, if regulation was the answer, why did the most regulated markets in the world collapse faster and harder than ours: Russia, China, Europe? Of all of the failing markets, we've actually fared the best--this might relate to the fact that we have the least regulated market of the four, but I'm not sure.

Additionally, I trust McCain more on foreign policy than I do Obama. The extent of Obama's foreign policy experience is giving campaign speeches to Europeans--oh the hopeless audacity.

Finally, the fuss about Palin is incredible. Yes, I personally would have preferred Romney as the VP--then again I would have preferred him as the presidential nominee. Nonetheless, to argue that Palin is inexperienced and Obama is seems breathtakingly silly to me. Two years in the Senate with no prior executive experience does not qualify someone to lead a nation--and he's at the TOP of the Democrat ticket.

Palin on the other hand has just under two years as the governor of a state with 15,000+ employees and a budget of $11 billion. Unlike Obama, she has actually changed things in her short time in office AND she's a Washington outsider AND(!) she's the Republican VP nominee...I think the media tends to forget.

I refuse to address the claim that she's "stupid." The default argument against any conservative is that they're stupid, and I think it would be a waste of my time to give it serious thought.

I am voting for John McCain because, of the two electable candidates, I honestly believe he would make the better leader of the free world. This stance does not mean I agree with all of McCain's policies or that I endorse his "maverick" style. Equally, though, it does not mean I am supporting the "lesser of two evils." Neither candidate is "evil" in this race. One just has horrible ideas.

Now, KGF, where is your treatise on how someone as smart as you could possibility support someone like Barack Obama?

------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the worst blog post I have ever written.

10.15.2008

What have we here? the man asked.

A "Bottle of Sense," his sidekick eagerly replied. I got it for you. It's a present. It cost me a week's wages. It's for you. To have. [The man looked at the bottle in disgust.] Are you going to open it?

What use have we for sense in times like these? Fetch us a bottle of hope instead.

The sidekick complied and the man drank heartily. And yet he thirsted.

Bring us another bottle, would you? The extra large one. The Mega-Chug version with the built-in crazy straw.

The sidekick complied and the man drank heartily. And yet he thirsted.

The man continued to drink and the sidekick to fetch for many days and nights. After a particularly heaving night of hope binging, the man slept and the sidekick retrieved the dusty bottle of sense from the pantry.

And the sidekick drank.

You are not so terrible, little bottle, he said. You could be better, but I wonder why the man dislikes you so? I shall ask him when he rises.

And the sidekick drank some more.

Come morning the man had to fetch his own bottle. The sidekick had left the man that night and the next day applied for a small business loan. Within a year he was no longer the sidekick but Mr. Sidekick--as in "Mr. Sidekick's Home-Brewed Hope" and "Mr. Sidekick's Home-Brewed Sense."

And the man bought Mr. Sidekick's hope because it was the best hope around.
And while very few people bought Mr. Sidekick's sense, it was also the best around.
And the sidekick never did get to ask the man why they preferred hope to sense.

And the world was a more horrible place because of it.

10.11.2008

and now, for your ridicule and enjoyment, my second script EVER (written as a high school English project...which we performed in front of the class)


LIBERATOR
(Judgment Day, but of course, No Death Penalty)

Narrator: Not so long from now, in a galaxy, well, NOT so far away...there will be an election.

(cue: STAR WARS THEAME TRACK___)

(Music ends abruptly)

Narrator: That’s enough of that...so anyway...The incumbent, George W. Bush, will once again face his arch nemesis, the updated GOREBOT2004.

(Boos)

Narrator: GOREBOT manages to rig the election and capture the win.

(More Boos)

Narrator: Shortly after taking office, GOREBOT manages to convince the UN to ban all guns...and eventually...the internal combustion engine. With no guns to defend themselves, and only squirt guns filled with chicken broth, the world easily falls to GOREBOT’s liberal demands.

>>>FAST FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE>>>

Narrator: The year is now 2025 and all majors cities have been demolished to make way for forests filled with bunnies and other Bambi like creatures. Animals outnumber humans 20,000 to one because of the absence of hunting. Out in the Tearwood forest, there is a small resistance against the liberal mongrels...

(cue: ODE TO JOY TRACK___)

they are...

LA RESISTANCE CONSERVATIVE

As we come upon them, we will see exactly how liberal the word has become.

(Enter George White and a Resistance Member )

(They are tossing around a poor defenseless bunny when RM notices a bug on the ground.)

RM: Oh look! A poor little defenseless bug. (Steps on it.)

SQUISH!!!

(cue: ALARM NOISE)

(Enter Two Liberal Guards (LG1 & LG2)

LG1 & LG2: (As they Enter) Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut...etc.

LG1: HALT! Step AWWWWAAAAAY from the bug!

(LG1 picks up the bug and puts it on a tiny “bug stretcher.” Then he takes it to the hospital. EXIT LG1.)

GW: You people are sick! LONG LIVE...uh...ANN COULTER!

(Squirts LG2 with squirt gun full of chicken broth.)

(LG2 looks at GW and looks at vest...repeat.)

GW: (explains) It’s chicken broth moron.

LG2: (With look of horror) Oh...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...this pleather is dry-clean only! (Falls down and dies, but grabs GW’s leg first)

GW: Get your hands off me you DAMN DIRTY LIBERAL! (PAUSE) I’M SPARTACUS!!!

RM: (Silence...looks at GW.)

GW: WHAT?

RM: Uh...nothing...say, lets go invade the Liberal HQ in Berkley California.

GW: ...Ok.

Narrator: The two resistance members managed to save the last two cars on the planet. Two SUVs that get 2 gallons to the mile. They begin their treacherous trek through the forest. They gather up all the meat they can find. Just in case.

(cue: JURASSIC PARK THEAME TRACK___)

RM: Is that a liberal in the road?

GW: By George, I think it is.

RM: 10 points if you hit him.

GW: (With big grin) *BUMP* Liberal...OH ANOTHER ONE *BUMP* Liberal...(To the tune of jingle bells) Up on the sidewalk *BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP*. What is that? Fifty points now?

Narrator: They soon come upon the most horrifying site in the world.

RM: Oh my god, that’s the most horrifying site in the world.

Narrator: Told ya.

(They “get out” of SUVs.) (They see a man hugging a tree.)

Man: I Love you tree...

(RM walks up to man...looks at him...slaps him...and then gets back into SUV.)

Narrator: There, now that that’s been taken care of, they can continue on their journey.

Meanwhile...at Liberal HQ...GOREBOT awaits their arrival.

-------------------------------------------------------------

(We come upon GBOT and LG3. Both have their back turned to audience.)

(cue: MARS, BRINGER OF WAR TRACK___)

GBOT: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH...etc.

(LG3 smacks GBOT in back of head.)

GBOT: Thank you......They think they can stop me and my liberal ideals...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA...etc.

(LG3 smacks GBOT in back of head.)
GBOT: Thank you...I will now unleash my army...

(cue: WICKED WITCH MUSIC TRACK___)

...OF FLYING SQUIRRLS!!! FLY MY PRETTIES...FLY!!!!!!!!!

GBOT: NO, WATCH OUT FOR THE SU...(Boom)...Vs. Ah well, there goes the army of flying squirrels.

(Heard in background: GW: That’s ten points a piece...count ‘em up!)

GBOT: Damn them and their SUVs...I INVENTED the SUV!

(Enter GW & RM)

GBOT: My army may have failed, but now I shall turn your army against you...all...ONE of them! I shall show scenes from the movie...Bambi!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!

(GW turns away, but RM is already stuck staring at the screen.)

RM: (In drone voice) MUST WATCH CUTE FLUFFY ANIMALS...(drool)

GW: NO! YOU MUST RESIST!

RM: Must...kill...self...before...becoming...PETA member...

Narrator: He then drowns himself with the chicken broth.

RM: I will now drown myself with the chicken broth.

Narrator: Why do you always repeat everything I say?

RM: Why do you always...Oh...I mean...(he dies...kind of.) George...use the Pork George...use...the...Pork. (He really dies this time)

GW: (Reaching for the Pork) It’s time to die GOREBOT.

GBOT: (Think hard through out) But GW...I...I...(gets an idea) (stars breath like Darth Vader) GW...I am your father.

GW: (Looks at his funny) Uh...yeah...you’re a robot.

GBOT: That’s beside the point...
GW: (In Scottish accent) You can take my guns GOREBOT, but you’ll never take...THE OTHER WHITE MEAT! AHHHHHH! (Hits GBOT with Pork) (GBOT FALLS).

GBOT: (On ground) ...cough...R O S E B U D ... (dies once)

GW: (Look’s at narrator) What’s Rosebud? (Narrator shrugs)

GBOT: (alive again) It...was my bunny. (Dies again)

GW: (With big grin) OH, you mean...THIS BUNNY! (pulls out fur)

GBOT: (alive again) Yes...my poor little bunny. (Dies again)

GW: Oh. (Throws it.)

GBOT: (alive again) NO! SNOOCOMES! (Dies again...for real this time)

GW: Why won’t you die! (Gets Republican flag and puts it on GOREBOT.)

(cue: CHARIOTS OF FIRE TRACK___)

Narrator: And so, good is restored to the world and all liberals are vanquished to a far off island. Our hero eventually marries Brittany Spears and they have many many...MANY children...all named G.W. of course.

POWERPOINT: MAY THE PORK BE WITH YOU!

(cue: STAR WARS THEAME TRACK___)



The End

10.01.2008

What goes here again?

Ah. That's right.

Stuff. About things.

Having recently learned that I have an audience beyond my close friends, I suppose I've been a bit skittish about posting. The existence of this blog a priori implies a certain level of "pretentious-dickitry" that I don't consciously perpetuate but I'm sure gets perpetuated--then again, using the term "a priori" doesn't help, does it? I'm not sure I know why--except that I know exactly why--since I write nothing here that I wouldn't say in a converstation at Nick's or an IM conversation during 886. Evidently, it "takes a lot" to be this "open" about seemingly private matters or intimate thoughts, but I don't see this space as providing either a personal look inside my head or "private" life. I'm not ashamed of anything I've written here or embarassed or humiliated or any other words with the same connotation that I haven't learned. Really, I just have precious little spare time to share my thoughts with the people I'd like. Very seldom do I have time to talk epistemology with KGF, aesthetics with DFS, politics with AJE (a lie?), rhetoric with JML (yet again), or video games with ZER. (And when was the last time I talked to anyone about literature--besides Atlas Shrugged?) Then again, even if I do have time, seldom do I have the chance to share my thoughts in writing--which is, arguably, where I do my best thinking. Enter: Blogger--a place for me to almost literally gather my thoughts, work with them, have others look at them, and rework them at a later date. Repeat ad infinitum--that's another one of those academic buzz words. This space also allows me to break rules about paragraphs, spelling, and grammar. Screw you, Mrs. Banks! I don't have to know how to spell "kneel." The computer does it for me! (Those two exclamation points were specifically addressed to BRT! And a third.)

So why are you skittish? you ask, eagerly awaiting a ridiculously, and unnecessarily, long-winded response involving at least three more ivory-tower-laden phrases and reference to Ayn Rand.

Well, I've had nothing interesting to say.

Yep.

For the first time since I was blissfully unaware of being "a fool satisfied," I can honestly say that am, and have been for a little while, "Socrates" satisfied. (The quote I just butchered was the only good thing Mill ever wrote.) This statement does not imply, of course, that I've figured everything out, that I've found the meaning of life and the key to happiness--which I have, it just doesn't imply it. (Oddly, the "key" to happiness is just to choose to be happy. Weird, eh? Not so much a "key" as a face-palm.)

When I have something to explore, I'll post it. Tomorrow? Perhaps. Late one night when I should be doing my 856 midterm? Even more likely. Before I graduate? Almost certainly. Ten seconds after this post goes live? I wouldn't bet on it.

Until then, go read other funny/interesting things. The intertubes are chalk full of them.