It's liberating, really, to do something you want to do and are afraid to do simultaneously. You decide to do it and the fact that it happened is more important--for the time being--than the actual action itself--the importance of which will come as the action acts. Even if the action turns out to be wrong or false, it doesn't negate the importance and impact of your doing it. And if it's right...


...hot damn.


Post 150. And there was much rejoicing.



from June 21, 2007:

"As much as I hate the idea, it's going to take South Carolina. How pitiful is that? (Rhetorical?)"

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...ad infinitum

It's going to take something more powerful than a state, larger than the South, or stronger than sweet tea.

It's going to take someone.


my strengths according to an online test

I took this test (registration required). Here are the results. I mostly agree.


Your Top Strength

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Your Second Strength

Industry, diligence, and perseverance
You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

Your Third Strength

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

Your Fourth Strength

Perspective (wisdom)
Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

Your Fifth Strength

Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness
You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.


Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.


Caution, prudence, and discretion
You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.


Bravery and valor
You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.


Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.


Forgiveness and mercy
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.


Humor and playfulness
You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.


Zest, enthusiasm, and energy
Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.


Curiosity and interest in the world
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.


Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.


Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.


You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.


Kindness and generosity
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.


Self-control and self-regulation
You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.


Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty
You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.


Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.


Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.


Modesty and humility
You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.


You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.


Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith
You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.


three related meta-pseudo-meta-rants about everything in particular


"At the round earth's imagined corners blow
Your trumpets, angels, and arise..."

I want to be a hero--sans cape, powers, tights, sidekick, secret identity--a hero to someone. Not "society" or "people" or "they" or "them" or even "public" or "culture." I want to be a hero to someone who needs my heroism but doesn't demand it, who accepts it knowing that it's the most selfish thing I could possibly offer, who is appreciative of my offer--all of which are qualifications that, to this point, I've seen only partially realized in the someones in which I've invested. (And, as far as my knowledge extends, they may be impossible qualities--qualities that exist only in a perfect world, or so I'm told. If so, then, for now, I willfully evade reality--conscious that long term evasion means stagnation and stagnation means death and so on and on and on. If I truly am "hiding," then I prefer being hidden to facing what actually exists: a conglomerate of nihilistic, sad/is/tic pseudo-philosophies.) It's primal, almost, this sense of wanting to protect, to shield from the "thems" and "publics" and "theys" and ..., to provide for and to care for not in selfless, Platonic terms--but in full recognition that I would give my life to be the hero because I am selfish--not because their happiness comes before mine but because their happiness is mine. Not because I love but because I love.


What I think:
If you asked me to wait a year, I'd happily give you 10, 20, a lifetime. I would wait outside your window with an out of tune guitar that I couldn't even play and serenade with a tune an octave too high until my voice ceased acknowledging my desires. I would take being ignored and comforted and teased and ignored again. The sprinkler wouldn't bother me, nor the snow. I would, I would. If you asked.

What I feel:
Guilty. Anxious. Torn. Excited. Defeated.

What I realize:
That moving on means moving on. That I deserve. That the world, despite what the "theys" tell us, is not about suffering and hopelessness and despair. "That love sometimes occurs without pain or misery." That what I'm feeling is neither painful nor miserable--only gripping. That I have no idea how to enact the practical motions of "moving" "on"--from that, mind you, which never existed to "move" "on" from. That when I speak I have little chance of saying anything remotely close to what I want to say. That that isn't always a bad thing--except when it is.

What I do:


Try--often fail.

Learn. Take more chances than usual.



Creating friendships has never been my forte. It happens. I do not know how. When I try, it seems as if I'm being stilted, scripted, shady. I can't even imagine translating that awkwardness beyond establishing a friendship. I don't have the confidence and I don't have the social awareness. And so the words escape me.

"For, if above all these my sins abound,
'Tis late to ask abundance of Thy grace,
When we are there. Here on this lowly ground
Teach me how to repent..."