12.21.2008

Maybe it's the hotcake syrup talking, but today sucks. The temperature is approximately -infinity and the metropolis I call home hasn't had power for going on twelve hours. It is so cold [how cold is it?] that the Diet Dr. Pepper in my bedroom has turned to Diet Dr. Pepper icee--and not the good kind that AJE used to get at that gas station. The bad kind, the kind that tastes watered down and anemic and depressed. [that wasn't very funny.] (I don't live to amuse you.)

At the current moment, the present time, this exact second, I'm sitting in the Gilman McDonald's. They have heat. For the first time in my life, I payed for temporary Internet access only to stare at an empty e-mail inbox and an iChat list with lots of red dots and the word "Away" staring me in the face, provoking me like a damned Diet Dr. Pepper icee. And not the good kind, either.

Let's play a game, I say to myself. Let's see how long it takes me to stop staring at "Away" and start doing something productive.

I would participate, but I don't like these storts of competitions with myself. They wouldn't be so bad if the cards weren't so stacked against me that it was impossible to win.

Chicken.

More so, I would participate if my participation didn't imply weakness, which it almost inevitably does. Feeling weak isn't my "thing." Confused, yes. Frustrated (AJE style), sometimes. Weak? Not so much. Perhaps a self-esteem issue here and there might project an aura of weakness. It's not so much weakness, though, as a self-evaluation of my shortcomings--with the knowledge that I have the ability to "fix" most of them. Granted, I'm often the harshest critic of mysef--and you of yourself, and you of yourself, etc. But I don't feel weak, often.

Well, no more "Away." It took only 47 minutes, and I'm pretty sure I stared the entire time.

Is that weakness or strength, self-control or self-immolation?

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